The Death Of The Nice Guy

         I was talking with one of my peoples. We tend to watch re-runs of old sitcoms & movies. As a youngster most of the subtle knowledge in the script went over my head. One example of this is watching old episodes of Family Matters. Steve Urkel is your typical nice guy. He's polite, sincere, humble, and can listen. Now on the surface you think that Laura Winslow didn't like him because he was a nerd or a bit annoying. That holds some truth but it's really because he was too nice. Now this is not to say being polite or a gentleman is bad, but that there is lack of respect for the nice guys. One of the first things that most nice guys like Steve is that they are predictable. They put too much on the table when they meet a woman for the first time. Steve had totally told Laura he loved her before he even knew anything about her. There was no mystery to his character. Remember that advice you would hear some characters say: "Don't tell her how you feel?" it's actually good advice. I've learned that you can be forward and honest. However It will only get you so far.

        Myself personally, I was the nice guy. Putting my feelings out there without really figuring if this woman liked me or not. I learned that women like honesty but want mystery first. It keeps a woman motivated to figure things out. I've learned that women sometimes say what they want, but don't actually want that. So what does this mean: The nice guy isn't really what they want. At least not initially. After a bit of rough relationships or bad experiences, then they are open to change. Not before though.

        Ladies and really ask yourself and be honest. Do you really go for the nice guy as your first choice? Think back to when you was a young lady before the kids & your previous relationships. Was the nice the cutest, most popular, or star athlete? Probably not, he might have worked for the A/V club, a science geek, or an artist like myself. Now ladies you may desire a "nice" guy now, but in turn he may bore you. I know ladies like excitement. This I had to learn over years dating and growing as a man.

So what actually killed the nice guy. It was never one thing, it was actually a very slow death. It really starts in the youth. The nice guy is the friend, never the boyfriend. This in-turn can cause some frustration and confusion. Due to the fact you can't really figure out why she thinks you are a great guy, but she won't date you.

        The second would probably be the rise of "Thug Luvin'". You remember when it became so popular to date a thug. Remember the songs and the imagery. As the saying goes: "Ladies love a bad boy." So now how is a well-mannered man going to compete, he may try to mold himself into one. However most fake thugs get exposed at some point. It's sexy until his thug life interferes in the relationship (i.e.: otther women, jail, people shooting at you while on a date, death, etc.)

    The third is the most personal. It would have to the lack of respect that he gets. I know women like a man that can command respect (i.e. the Thug). Remember people often mistake kindness for weakness, women can make this mistake as well. I've held doors open for some ladies and they expected me to talk to them. I give the basic respect to everyone until you cross me. (Yes talkin' slick or unnecessary sarcasm counts too)

So will the nice guy come back to life, probably not. Being a "nice guy" is good, but it will never get you the respect a man truly desires. So ladies when you ask the question: "Where are all the nice guys at?" Ask yourself how many did you kill before you asked that question?

The Shame Of Embarrassment (Classic)

It's funny how people can act when embarrassed. I think it's much more interesting in how we react to it, particularly the ladies' response. Fellas for those rare times you catch your woman at an embarrassing moment, she would rather you slap her than see her in that moment. A young lady I had known from high school I asked her out on a simple date. She had told me she was busy and was unable to come out for the night. I understood and said cool we have other times. Later that evening as I'm standing on my best friend's stoop. Guess who I see walking down his block hand in hand with another guy. Did I approach her, no I didn't. But the look on her face was priceless. Cause she couldn't look me in the eye. She even hid behind the guy in order to hide her face. 

I had to react that way cause I wanted to show her how mature I was. After that if we saw each other in the street, she couldn't look me in the eye. This was just one of my many "Gotcha" tales. It's funny cause I think in phone conversations women try to pull the "Jedi Mind Trick" on you. I know I've asked a woman something or she told me something that might have slipped "accidentally". When you bring it up in a conversation later, they would deny ever saying it or act like you heard differently. Is this a woman testing to see if a man listens or are they just talking sh*t? If that is the case, shouldn't a woman be prepared to have her bluff called?

Now if it's the mature thing to act like nothing happened. Am I not co-signing the behavior? If I don't bring up the fact that she got caught lying or fronting. What's to stop her from doing it again? This time for something bigger. Yes if I embarrass her, she will be uncomfortable but it will clear the air of the b.s. 
I sometimes think that women would rather get hit than wallow in embarrassment. Case in point is the Maury Povich Show. What happens when the woman finds out that the man is not the father of the child? She runs off crying, why? She has had an embarrassing moment on national television. So what changes if anything? 

I use the shame as a tool. Sometimes for learning or as a reminder that the lies won't be tolerated. Does this mean I look for a potentially embarrassing moment, No. However I don't let them slide. So be advised ladies that messing with a man who has some intellect and game, he will check your b.s.

Here's a gem that I learned from Chris Rock: "Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lie." Now who handles it better when they get caught is debatable. So for all the ladies that said, did, or showed off and got their bluff called I still have my eyes open. Thank you for making me more sharper than ever.

The Respect Of Love

       First off I want to say props to all the folks really in love.  Not the folks just playing coy or settling.  I mean the stay by your bed, marry you in the living room kind of love.  We all have a different perception of what love is.  However I think we have a lack of respect for this emotion.  I use myself as a prime example, by taking the woman I've ever loved for granted. I think because love is such a common & abundant emotion, we just figure it's always going to be there.  However it's just like gas during Hurricane Sandy, limited.  There's a point where love can't help or it's totally exhausted.  I make the classic comparison of love to a flower.  When it's in bloom, it's the greatest thing, however it doesn't get there on it's own. There must be some form of nurturing & good conditions for it to grow.  As human beings it's easy to get complacent, especially in love.  Does love have to be threatened for folks to treasure it?    


       Maybe that's why some ladies fight with their man, just to create that feeling.  However it could backfire, whereas a man can just be fed up with all the bickering.  Are folks trying to substitute the lack of love in one area for another?  I've seen folks get into relationships just to heal themselves from another.  I was having a conversation with some folks & they talked about love, settling down, etc. & it just hit me that I'm at a point where if I fall in love, It's pretty much the real thing.  Now does this mean any female can come along, hell no.  I tend to think of myself as being a critical guy, especially in this internet dating age.  So out of respect for myself & love I take my time.  I'm fortunate to not get caught up in the age thing & feeling that I should be married or in a relationship by a certain age.  Isn't there a famous saying "Love has no bounds."  Therefore age is a boundary, so why be a slave to that?  I've just learned most recently that love needs to be tempered properly like steel.  Too much of this or too little of that can create something that doesn't last.  The thing is that there is no sure way of making love grow other than communication & listening.  After that it's a crap shoot.