Once again I always run into something that forces me to challenge it by writing about it. So this time the challenge is the "female friend". Now let me set this up, there actually a few events that make me believe women really can't be good friends to straight men. (Note: Gay men & straight women can be besties, why cause there's no actual interest there.) A while back myself & friends went out to dinner and had a great time. The funny thing is my "homegirl" at the time & one of her girlfriends she brought through was giving me a vibe. Now I don't try to assume intention but I will inquire by asking my homegirl, "Hey what's up with your friend?" like most men do. So we exchange numbers & chat via text (Fellas, that shit is dangerous try & have an actual conversation.) just feeling each other out. So I ask the young lady out to just hang nothing serious & I get excuses. I ask my homegirl what's the deal with that & a lot of other things end up coming out. Let me be honest as well, me & my homegirl are only cool cause she shot me down when I tried to get at her. However I try to be the mature man & still be friends. She ends up going on a tirade about how she doesn't know me and that her friend is new to the city so she doesn't trust anyone. I'm thinking to myself though "How you just gonna let me look like a dirtbag in front of your girl?" I was upset not that her friend didn't like me, but that my homegirl didn't defend me. I would rather you explain to me that "Hey D. she not attracted to you, but I can put in a good word."
This makes me wonder about females as friends. Now if you read this blog here, about male/female friendships you can understand the exceptions for being friends. I believe however women have conditional friendships with guys & not true honest friendships. So I'm going to list a few conditions that I feel women usually fit into after a certain time.
1. Like Me or Used to Like Me - How many times guys did you just end up cool with a female who liked you. Now you decide to be polite & keep a friendship going. The thing is can you be honest with her about other women? Can you she give you an unbiased opinion about your love life? Why would she give you keys to being a better man for someone else? Sometimes their judgement could be biased due to what's going on in their life. What happens when the man in their life isn't on the ball? You can end up with being the target of her rage. (See: Angry Bitch)
2. "Hopeful Girlfriend" - This is the young lady that might secretly like you, but hasn't actually told you yet. She's hoping that you get the "signals" she's "throwing". The funny thing is if she's direct & gets shot down, no more friendship. Sometimes just have a direct talk can give you understanding. Her fear keeps her as your friend, but she's not satisfied with her station.
3. The "I'm Angry So I Will Take It Out On You" friend - Let's not front like some are angry for whatever reason, yet want to be cool. Bringing anger into your cipher because you represent the men that have done her wrong. She won't examine what she did wrong, cause she's a "victim". These women you can see all over the internet particularly social networks. Ever spoke with a lady & had a debate with her about male/female relations. She always takes the side of the woman, even if she's wrong. You will hear this term a lot "Oh if I'm angry, a man made me that way." Shut the hell up with that feminist rhetoric, & take some responsibility for your fuck-ups. But I digress, fellas be aware she will try to transfer her angry energy to you. So be like Barry Sanders in 1997 & dodge that altogether.
4. Delusional "Dime" - This is your homegirl who thinks she's flyer than what she is. She likes you but because you don't possess certain things, she feels she could do better. However she won't invest in herself & defines her worth on the type of man she can get. The funny thing is she can't even live up to her own standard. It's the classic mentality of "Champagne tastes, Kool-Aid money" being exhibited. You keep her around as a friend cause she's cute & you hope to "hit it" one day. Don't expect her to become conscious of her bullshit until it's too late. By that time you should have moved on, when she realizes your true value. Hopefully she will get it one day.
5. The "I'm Single So I Got Free Time" Girl - Remember when your homegirl got a new man and you didn't hear from her. All of her Facebook posts & Instagram was all about her relationship. You might call or text & not hear from her for days. Now that things went wrong, all of a sudden she's got time for you. So now I'm supposed to be your "surrogate boyfriend" cause you are lonely. What you think happens when she starts dating someone else? The phone goes quiet again. So your relationship is really subjective to what's going on in her life. If she can't come hang when she has a man, what does that tell you?
6. The "Jump Off" Friend - I've been guilty of trying to keep these friendships also. Someone you have or still are sleeping with you try to keep an actual friendship going. The funny thing is that as friends you really aren't compatible. Therefore it causes awkwardness when things aren't about sex. Will they still be as cool if you are in a relationship? It can be if it's understood that you really just have something physical & no more.
7. The "Ex" - Yeah this is a bit of a myth. Now I know some exes who are cool, but the friendship is somewhat touchy. It depends on how bad the breakup was, if it was mutual. Maybe a friendship can be salvaged. If one or the other was hurt, it can go real uneven & become dicey. Also if your ex is dating someone new & still comes around, can you keep your cool? Being friends with an ex can go good or bad.
So in conclusion is this to say men & women can't really be friends. No, it's just to say that friendships can become inconsistent. Ladies you may ask "Well what about the guys?" It's simple if one of my homies has a homegirl who likes me. He would put me on (unless either he's feeling her or that's an ex) or at least give me the details about her. There's a candidness I can get with my homies. Now I have met some great female friends who I treat like sisters because there's a big respect there. Do they always agree with me? No, but they can still love me anyway due to how we get along. Some ladies just know how to maneuver around men, They know how to not be the "female" but just be that cool person. They know that they will talk to females, bug out, & might have silly theoretical conversations but hey it's manhood. I was wondering if I should write this but hey it gives you something to talk about. If you want to have a debate it's cool, but just note I'm up for a good debate.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
And You Say He's Just A Friend (Facebook Re-Post)
Now if any of y'all have really chopped up game with me. You already know my stance on male/female friendships. I've talked about them before and it's not that I have issues with them, I just ask y'all to keep it 100. Now is there some level of bogus nonsense that we believe in, of course. So I'm here to straighten it out like Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth.
1) This first one is for both the ladies & men. If you have slept with this person even once, they aren't your friend. Think about it, has anyone you ever slept with wanted to be a better friend after they got some. Fellas I know we tend to think, nah she's just cool. But she's not, she's there for the ego. Ladies as well, y'all definitely like to at least be asked or entertain the idea. BTW if you think women don't have an ego, that's b.s. and it's actually bigger than a man's at times. No person going into a relationship wants to know or shake hands with someone who is or used to f*ck their mate. People get punched in the face for that. Ladies, would you be cool with an old cut buddy comes around and says hi. Now there are exceptions, which is pretty much baby momma/daddy situation. But be aware that may be somewhat funny situation. Ask yourself, was their baby momma/daddy this friendly before, if not start an investigation. I like to kill the b.s. before it starts
2) Ladies if a man hasn't slept with you, but has made it known he wants to and you haven't given him nookie. I believe if he's caught at least one erection around you, he's gotta go. He's no friend, he's just a patient guy. This man can wait damn near decades for some. I've seen it. (This particular type of man can sometimes be a "Capt. Save-A-Ho". I know I've seen some scuzzbuckets saved from selling their bodies or making it drop at some club cause of patient man.) Think about it like this, what if your man has a girl he's cool with but she's done some damn near reckless behavior like sitting on his lap like she's 5 and he's Santa. It doesn't fly at all.
3) Fellas, if she's supposed to be your homegirl yet you are c*ckblocking. She's not your friend. Now you may be "looking" out for her. However if she's a big girl and she isn't interested in you, take the L and move on. Hating is not cute, and it will show the woman your "bitch" card. No real man should have this in his character so let it ride and chill. I've known some fellas that throw salt on their friends if they happen to have luck with a female he met first. Hate in your blood is not cool
4) For the Men & Women, if you have had any sexual contact with the person on any level. They are not your friend. I gotta get on the ladies especially cause y'all like to leave out "small, minor" details. Fellas you have heard this "Oh we used to kick it but we never slept together." Ask her "Did he eat you out?" That one always gets looked over. Just cause there was no intercourse doesn't mean things was platonic. So with me I really assume, there's a bit of fronting when it comes to male "friends" that women I know have. Not all, but y'all know who are.
Fellas, if you have a "friend" you have slept with, don't introduce her to any females you are dating, sleeping with, or see as a potential girlfriend. I saw for myself what happens when a girlfriend meets an old acquaintance. I saw that unfold and it was not pretty. There was a lot of cussing and heated exchanges. It's dangerous so just avoid it altogether.
Now are there exceptions, yes indeed. However really take a look at the list and see if it applies.
1. Co-Worker - Yes people mess around with co-workers, but if it's a job that you need. You better pass on that piece of @$$.
2. Like a "Brother/Sister" - That can work, but try to find out if this person is in a healthy relationship outside their friendship. If not it can be some quasi-closeness in which the other person is single & not looking to getting their own relationship.
3. The "friend" clearly is not attracted to your mate. Now it's rare that someone stays friends with someone they made a pass on, and the other person rejected their advances. It doesn't mean that you are now the 2nd runner up. Just make sure your mate still doesn't have feelings for this "friend"
4. Maturity - This is the most rare, cause you would actually have to be a true friend. Some friendships can survive sex, but only through maturity. If both parties understand that things have changed. It's possible to just be cool. You will know this cause there is a true honesty in when they speak, & if you ask what happen you will get the truth.
So really ask yourself how many true friends of the opposite sex you really have. Not every person your mate know is friends cause they choose to be. Sometimes their advances missed and now they are in the "friend zone". Doesn't mean they aren't trying to get out of that place. I will add on to this later in the week
Composed July 19th, 2010.
1) This first one is for both the ladies & men. If you have slept with this person even once, they aren't your friend. Think about it, has anyone you ever slept with wanted to be a better friend after they got some. Fellas I know we tend to think, nah she's just cool. But she's not, she's there for the ego. Ladies as well, y'all definitely like to at least be asked or entertain the idea. BTW if you think women don't have an ego, that's b.s. and it's actually bigger than a man's at times. No person going into a relationship wants to know or shake hands with someone who is or used to f*ck their mate. People get punched in the face for that. Ladies, would you be cool with an old cut buddy comes around and says hi. Now there are exceptions, which is pretty much baby momma/daddy situation. But be aware that may be somewhat funny situation. Ask yourself, was their baby momma/daddy this friendly before, if not start an investigation. I like to kill the b.s. before it starts
2) Ladies if a man hasn't slept with you, but has made it known he wants to and you haven't given him nookie. I believe if he's caught at least one erection around you, he's gotta go. He's no friend, he's just a patient guy. This man can wait damn near decades for some. I've seen it. (This particular type of man can sometimes be a "Capt. Save-A-Ho". I know I've seen some scuzzbuckets saved from selling their bodies or making it drop at some club cause of patient man.) Think about it like this, what if your man has a girl he's cool with but she's done some damn near reckless behavior like sitting on his lap like she's 5 and he's Santa. It doesn't fly at all.
3) Fellas, if she's supposed to be your homegirl yet you are c*ckblocking. She's not your friend. Now you may be "looking" out for her. However if she's a big girl and she isn't interested in you, take the L and move on. Hating is not cute, and it will show the woman your "bitch" card. No real man should have this in his character so let it ride and chill. I've known some fellas that throw salt on their friends if they happen to have luck with a female he met first. Hate in your blood is not cool
4) For the Men & Women, if you have had any sexual contact with the person on any level. They are not your friend. I gotta get on the ladies especially cause y'all like to leave out "small, minor" details. Fellas you have heard this "Oh we used to kick it but we never slept together." Ask her "Did he eat you out?" That one always gets looked over. Just cause there was no intercourse doesn't mean things was platonic. So with me I really assume, there's a bit of fronting when it comes to male "friends" that women I know have. Not all, but y'all know who are.
Fellas, if you have a "friend" you have slept with, don't introduce her to any females you are dating, sleeping with, or see as a potential girlfriend. I saw for myself what happens when a girlfriend meets an old acquaintance. I saw that unfold and it was not pretty. There was a lot of cussing and heated exchanges. It's dangerous so just avoid it altogether.
Now are there exceptions, yes indeed. However really take a look at the list and see if it applies.
1. Co-Worker - Yes people mess around with co-workers, but if it's a job that you need. You better pass on that piece of @$$.
2. Like a "Brother/Sister" - That can work, but try to find out if this person is in a healthy relationship outside their friendship. If not it can be some quasi-closeness in which the other person is single & not looking to getting their own relationship.
3. The "friend" clearly is not attracted to your mate. Now it's rare that someone stays friends with someone they made a pass on, and the other person rejected their advances. It doesn't mean that you are now the 2nd runner up. Just make sure your mate still doesn't have feelings for this "friend"
4. Maturity - This is the most rare, cause you would actually have to be a true friend. Some friendships can survive sex, but only through maturity. If both parties understand that things have changed. It's possible to just be cool. You will know this cause there is a true honesty in when they speak, & if you ask what happen you will get the truth.
So really ask yourself how many true friends of the opposite sex you really have. Not every person your mate know is friends cause they choose to be. Sometimes their advances missed and now they are in the "friend zone". Doesn't mean they aren't trying to get out of that place. I will add on to this later in the week
Composed July 19th, 2010.
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