Residual Anger (Part 1) - The Source

   One night I woke up from a dream that really scared me.  It was me just walking around a big city, Philly I think & some cats stepped to me just cause.  So I actually tried to avoid the confrontation, but they persist & I end up shattering one of the guys' jaw.  I'm then in handcuffs trying to explain to the police why it got that far. When I see the guy's face he's all bloody & swollen.  I woke up just thinking about where was all this rage hidden.  I'm guessing that my subconscious still has a lot of old anger from my childhood that I suppress & the situation in my dream was a classic scene. This wasn't first time I've had a dream like this.  I just rarely talk about it

     As a youth I was quite innocent & non-confrontational.  However you can't really go through life without confrontation.  So as a youth I did get bullied & picked on cause I didn't really know how to fight.  I also felt that I was good kid, so what did I do to deserve this. I'm guessing that some just didn't like me or resented my positive outlook.  I just wasn't the confrontational type.  It started from junior high into high school.  I lost the respect of some folks as a youth, & that really hurt me.  There was some self-loathing on my part.  I just didn't understand why God would put me through this.  That in itself created some resentment & I would act out around my parents.  I think it was training for dealing with the harsh reality of a world.  I was quite naive in a lot of ways, cause my parents allowed me to be a kid. 

    

      

    Sometimes I just wonder why I was given this life.  I always thought you do good, you get good.  That was a lesson I learned as a kid.  Some folks just don't like you period.  They would want to see harm come to you just so they could feel better.  So my mind had some ease, but yet I would still want to see certain folks get hit in the head with a bat.  I know that's wrong to say, but it's honest.  Have I not paid my dues for vengeance??  I think a source of my anger is me being angry at myself for not fighting back.  Sometimes I was afraid to just try for fear of retaliation.  So these feelings are self-inflicting wounds on my psyche. 

   This is just a blog for me to work out the source of my anger.   The next blog will focus on my triggers & how I can counter my anger.  The 3rd blog will focus on the people & things that help with my anger issues.  I hope you enjoyed this reading & you get to understand who I am.